Some things never change

I feel so alone. I am with someone, but not really with them . That's what you get for starting something with a married person I guess.

Why couldn't I pick something easier for a relationship? Because I know how this turns out. He's still going to be married and I'm going to be the one who gets hurt. 

I liked having someone who told me that I was beautiful and they meant it. I liked feeling that I was special , that someone wanted me . But the reality is that I'm not special , I'm a distraction . I make things better, that's why he sticks around. 

I want to come first in someone's life. I want to have someone who can spend the night with me. I want someone who can respond anytime of day when I send a text. I want someone who will cuddle with me and cook with me. I want someone who doesn't have to sneak out to spend time with me. I want someone who shares my passions (in and out of bed) . 

I just want to have someone to be myself with and never feel like I'm a guilty secret.

Why does no one ever want me as more than a friend? What is wrong with me?

Fucking hate always being alone

im scared of change

I'm leaving.
I have 30 days before I'm getting on a plane and flying away from my home, my family, and my friends.

And I'm scared shitless.

        As my one friend keeps reminding me, "It's YOU who is leaving US". Yes, I know, I'm the one who bought the ticket and made the plan to leave. I live in one of the coldest places in the US and I can't take it anymore, it's miserable painful to my hands and just sucks overall. Seriously, imagine living in a place where -30 is a normal winter temperature.

        But This is my home. I was born here. All my best friends are here. This place is what I know. I have a job, an apartment, and have completed several college classes. I have a routine. I'm afraid of losing this.
I'm afraid that this move will leave me jobless and homeless and I NEVER want to go back to that. Financial instability is something I can't deal with. Pretty sure it's part of the reason I've kept the same job for the last 2.5 years even though I could have tried to find something else. My job is below me, but because of that I know they'd never fire me and I am guaranteed full-time work. I've grown complacent. I know what's expected of me and don't have to try very hard. Even taking a summer job freaked me out, new managers, new job, and for some reason I keep feeling like I could be fired at any moment. Even though I've been told by several people that I do a good job. Probably left over feelings from the previous time I changed employment and got fired (still never got a good explanation as to why).

       What if this move is a huge mistake and I end up back where I was 3 years ago, with no money and no place to turn , especially since I won't have good friends set up down there like I had here to help me. Anyone who keeps telling me "Oh, you say you're leaving now, but you'll be back" I wanna punch right in the face. The whole point of downsizing all my belongings is to leave here permanently. If I end up back here I would consider it a huge failure on my part. It's not funny or cute, so stop fucking telling me "you'll be back". Other than visiting family and friends, I don't want to wind up back here.

        Part of downsizing though means selling off my furniture and my car, which I have yet to actually do or put up ads on craigslist. Like once again i'm postponing something I don't wanna do and it's not helping with my anxiety over leaving. Because I NEED to have my car sold before I leave cause I need that money to pay off my car in the lower 48, but once I sell it I'm down to only having a bicycle as a mode of transportation which will suck for getting to 3 jobs and doing last minute stuff with friends.

        I'm going to miss my friends so much. They have always been there for me, though the worst times in my life and have given me the support to carry on and keep going. My best friends since kindergarten for heaven sake, we've been together for 17+ years. I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life and I'm scared to start it. I will be alone. While I am an introverted person and enjoy my time by myself, To be completely alone in a new strange place with so much uncertainty is freaking me the fuck out. Everyone keeps telling me to look at it as a fresh start, a new adventure, [insert motivational phrase here] and it's like NO ONE gets what I'm feeling. Everyone keeps telling me to stop complaining about an awesome opportunity or gives me the "you're the one doing this" line.

      I love my friends. I view them as the family I should have been given in life. I'm going to miss them so much, and yes there is facebook and skype to keep in touch, but i'll miss the harry potter parties, the drink fests, the random drives to Delta, just meeting up and talking about old times, future plans, and life in general. It's like I'm leaving part of myself behind.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm leaving all I know, all I love, and all my life behind.

I'm not ready. Not physically ready cause I haven't packed enough, and not emotionally ready cause my brain is all over the place. Yes I'm excited to be done with work soon and there is some "vacation" like excitement about going to visit my friend in Texas.

I keep getting emotional when trying to pack up things. I've done too much crying over all this. Time is moving too fast, and I feel like I never have the time I want to be with the people I love.

An Empty Poem

All that's left inside my shell,

Is my mind inside a private Hell.

Whispers and screams, 

Tell me give up on dreams.

Wrong, wrong, wrong

It plays a repetitious song.

Sleep, don't wake,

Just isolate.

Such hurt and pain,

Just slice a vein.

My mind is all a worry 

Thoughts speed by all blurry.

I am better than this disease,

If only it would stop and seize.

I'm better , I'm better, I scream

Just stop, go away, don't take my dream 

Happy, productive, with someone to love

With a future , a life, and beauty above .

Fight and they fade, but never the same

I wonder if any truly win at this game .

I try to speak, I try to explain 

This feeling has me circling the drain.

They see me fighting and flailing,

Not understanding my failing.

Get up, brush off, and start anew,

Snap out of it! HEY! I'm trying to.

Motivation is frail and weak,

Just some rest , a break, is all I seek.

Life does not stop, another day follows

And this scares me most,

After all the days pass and I reach my end

Will my brain be shattered or still on the mend.

What is the point of the struggle and toil

If these thoughts follow me into the soil.

No guarantees, no promises here

Live while you can, trembling in fear 

I shouldn't think this,I shouldn't think that

But I'm human and weak, so that's that 

 

What I Would Have Said, Given the Chance

Hey,
So I had THE WORST customer in my entire career today. I was so angry after the interaction that I was visibly shaking, the adrenaline from holding in my urge to punch and hurt this man causing tremors in my hands and knees. And because I am me, I was so mad i wanted to cry... cause you know... that helps when you're mad, involuntary tears. Since I was working graveyard, I was the only one at work and couldn't take 5 to collect myself and decompress.

I feel I did the best at not being verbally rude back given the situation, but I SO wanted to.

So here's a list of what I wish I could have told the man if I hadn't been in uniform, on the clock  (in no particular order):

LISTEN! I am not a fucking idiot, do not mistake my job for a lack of education on my part. You were a condescending asshole from the very beginning of your order, so YES you were being rude to me. Trying to threaten me by wanting my "supervisor's name" to report the supposed "slight" to you is laughable. I AM the assistant manager, which I told you, and my "manager" will back me up whenever it comes to assholes like you. By the way, by all means, TRY to get a hold of him, he's gone for 3 weeks and I am running the store in his absence. Oh? You wanna talk to the district manger? Go to the very top? GO AHEAD!

I have worked here for 2 years, have an immaculate record of being a trustworthy, dependable employee. I could tell you to "Go Fuck Yourself!" or any other choice phrase, and no one would even believe you. I could sit there all doe eyed and shocked as they tell me "well this is what he said you called him" and deny it flat out. Me? Profanity? I've "never" resorted to that in the workplace to resolve issues...

Call the cops to remove you, after I politely asked you to leave? I was already leaning to the phone when you made the bluff. If security hadn't taken over, I would have dialed the police on your ass with no hesitation. And you told the night manager of Walmart that you wanted me to apologize? At that point I knew you just wanted a pound of flesh, and I refuse to pay. You can take that apology and choke on it. With some help from my fist punching you in the throat. I don't give a fuck that you are an old man, I would have beat the shit out of you and not even felt guilty about it. Maybe even used my tip jar as a weapon to add some irony to the situation.

You should have just let it go. You should not have come back up to my counter TWICE to try and berate me. I know my rights and I don't have to put up with your bullshit. But I knew, I knew you wouldn't let it go and already had given the nod to security to escort you out if you approached me again. Poor move on your part dipshit.

Don't tell me I don't understand the meaning or context of a word; I had a college level vocabulary back in 4th grade. I am fairly sure my IQ is higher than yours. Do not talk down to me and try to tell me I am stupid, I am many things in this life, but stupid isn't one of them.

But, now let me talk plainly, so there is no misunderstanding my word choice and its intent.
If you hadn't been so rude throughout your order, I might not have made the comment about "courteous" people. After the scene you made, you clearly showed which group you belong in. And here's a hint: IT'S NOT THE COURTEOUS GROUP.  I refuse to spend one more minute talking with you as my time is worth more than dealing with sad-ass excuse of cunts like yourself. I am more than you can ever conceive or achieve in this life. I worship the ground that awaits your grave. WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY HIDE-AND-GO-FUCK YOURSELF!

My skin makes me sad

Scars crisscross over my body, from the backs of my arms to the circumference of my stomach, riddled up and down my thighs. Scars of my own making. Not the kind one makes with a blade, I have those on my left wrist as well. No these scars I'm more ashamed of. They are ugly and ruin the texture of my skin as well as make me never want to share them with anyone. Stretch marks are absolutely disgusting, if I'd ever been pregnant at least I'd  have the baby to blame. But, no, just me and my lack of control in my life. Compulsively eating when life wasn't going well has now left me disfigured for the rest of my life. People try to make it sound better by saying that they fade, oh great they go from pinkish-red to albino white, how lovely. They will stand out if ever I tan my pale Alaskan skin, scar tissue never behaves the same as regular skin. 

Sometimes I almost feel that I look ok, but that's when I have clothes on. All it takes is one glance in a mirror or my shirt sleeve to ride up to remind me otherwise . I'll never have smooth unmared skin again. I'll always be like this, no lotion or surgery can fix it. I could have reduced the damage SOO much had I recovered sooner, each pound gained tore my flesh to accommodate needing more room. 

It won't matter how thin I ever get, I'll still have to cover up. The texture really grosses me out, the larger scars are half an inch wide and easily 6-8 inches long. Doesn't matter how flat your abs are when they are covered in hideous scars, you won't be showing them to anyone. If I ever get around to getting a tattoo, I can't choose several locations due to all the scarring.

Was trying on clothes at the store today, had the lovely full body lighted mirror to show me all my imperfections . Nothing ruins a day faster than feeling hideous no matter what you do. Can't even afford to get new clothes anyway, besides, it's not like they make it look any better

I don't know

There is this feeling. And I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe a foreboding sadness. I don't know. But it's like I want something. And I don't know what it is. And it bothers me. Cause if I knew what it was I could fix it or at least get a handle on it. But no. It's just this alien feeling in my chest. And I sometimes can't figure out if I should be mad and just have a good screaming match or if I'm sad and just need a good cry . Sometimes it feels like both should happen at once. I don't even know how to talk about what it is I'm feeling since I don't even know what the feeling is.

I want it to just go away, cause feelings that I don't get a handle on have a tendency to be depression related. And there's a part of me that's worried that this is somehow related to that . I don't want it to be, I have been doing so well and have actually been experiencing happiness on a regular basis and not just in fleeting moments. 

Maybe I just need a cuddle, or some affection of some type. Some time spent with a pet or something. I don't know...
I want to talk to someone, but they aren't talking to me right now, and I miss them.

Feelings go away.....

Broken

I'm fine. I tell myself I'm fine. I'm normal. I'm just like everyone else. 

But, I'm not.

I hate how someone will make a comment, something in jest or a small aside, and yet something about that comment sticks in your head. You can't let it go. Your mind keeps turning it over and over . Making a big deal out of most likely nothing, or taking something very hard to heart that you'll never forget.

I'm damaged. That was the comment that was made, and it hit me really hard. They were talking about something completely silly about me and made the comment that I was damaged. And it struck me. I sat there and didn't say anything for a moment. Just thinking about that statement in a larger context.

I am damaged. 

I was something good but now I'm not.

Still functional but not as good as the original.

Not the same as normal.

My feelings, my reactions, my mind, and my body... I am damaged.

I won't say what's on my mind.

I'm in conflict with what I want from people .

I never feel comfortable in my skin.

My wants/desires and willpower don't mesh.

I'm a contradiction.

I am damaged.

Thanks for telling me.