The Rest of My Life

Today, I am making a change.
Today, I am taking a stand.
Today, I am deciding to better my life.

For many years, I have struggled with weight. Some due to depression, some due to convenience, and some due to being raised with bad habits. But, mainly due to lack of self control. I begin a program, make a plan, start to lose and then I give up. I let a bad day turn into a bad week, and then I'm done.
I'll restart tomorrow. I'll restart on Monday. I'll restart at the beginning of the month. I'll start at the beginning of the year.
NO MORE!
I am wasting my life. I am 21 years old and I've spent more than half of my life overweight to some degree. I have missed out on many opportunities, been made to feel excluded, and been made to feel inferior because of my weight. I am also going to be risking health issues soon if I don't make a change. A REAL CHANGE.
I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. But, most of all, I want to be me, the me that's buried under a layer of fat. I want to walk around in my skin and not be dragging along another person's worth of weight.
I don't expect this to be easy. I don't expect this to happen quickly (after all it took years to get this big). But I do expect to make it a lifestyle change. Gone will be the days of eating out multiple times a week. Gone will be the day of overindulgence in sweets. Gone will be the days of avoiding the gym.
I expect I will try to be sabotaged, by myself and others. Some out of ignorance, some by deliberate action. I refuse to be brought down.
I want to have a good life, and I want this to be THAT life.
I want this for the rest of my life.
And I am starting .....


NOW!

I will never forgive you

for treating me as a lost cause

for not believing me when I told the truth

for setting different standards between siblings

for telling me I "wasn't worth it"

for turning me out with nowhere to go

for blaming me for the downturn in our relationship

for giving me false hope

for pretending that you actually love me


                                                    Whatever Happens Now, You And I Are Done

Rambling

I remember when I used to to have dreams that I worked for
I remember the overwhelming emotions of winning a national medal after months of hard work
I remember the catharsis driving around at 3am just to go somewhere
I remember the pain of breaking my ankle and walking on it for a day
I remember the flowing of my blood as I cut myself to feel something
I remember what it feels like to be proud of myself and have others be proud too
I remember the unique taste of diet soda of handfulls of pills

...but what I can't remember is, at what point did I stop living?

... I hate my family

It is an illusion, well crafted, and much said, that my family "loves" me.

This is a LIE

Although it would be unfair of me to say I hate all of them. The truth is I hate all of them, save one. One of my three brothers I don't hate, he is saved from being included in the family when I say, quite honestly, that I hate my family.

I am tired of being told one thing "I/We love you" and having actions speak to the contrary. I have come to realise that I am indeed, The Black Sheep of the family. Other members are treated with a different set of rules and expectations, while at the end of the day I get the short end of the stick, or no stick whatsoever.

I'm done playing this game. I'm tired of having hope that things have changed between us, they never change for the better, only worse. I'm done hoping, dreaming, or planning on my family to support me and help me when I need it. THEY WON'T. At the end of the day, my family won't be there for me.

Only my friends will.