im scared of change

I'm leaving.
I have 30 days before I'm getting on a plane and flying away from my home, my family, and my friends.

And I'm scared shitless.

        As my one friend keeps reminding me, "It's YOU who is leaving US". Yes, I know, I'm the one who bought the ticket and made the plan to leave. I live in one of the coldest places in the US and I can't take it anymore, it's miserable painful to my hands and just sucks overall. Seriously, imagine living in a place where -30 is a normal winter temperature.

        But This is my home. I was born here. All my best friends are here. This place is what I know. I have a job, an apartment, and have completed several college classes. I have a routine. I'm afraid of losing this.
I'm afraid that this move will leave me jobless and homeless and I NEVER want to go back to that. Financial instability is something I can't deal with. Pretty sure it's part of the reason I've kept the same job for the last 2.5 years even though I could have tried to find something else. My job is below me, but because of that I know they'd never fire me and I am guaranteed full-time work. I've grown complacent. I know what's expected of me and don't have to try very hard. Even taking a summer job freaked me out, new managers, new job, and for some reason I keep feeling like I could be fired at any moment. Even though I've been told by several people that I do a good job. Probably left over feelings from the previous time I changed employment and got fired (still never got a good explanation as to why).

       What if this move is a huge mistake and I end up back where I was 3 years ago, with no money and no place to turn , especially since I won't have good friends set up down there like I had here to help me. Anyone who keeps telling me "Oh, you say you're leaving now, but you'll be back" I wanna punch right in the face. The whole point of downsizing all my belongings is to leave here permanently. If I end up back here I would consider it a huge failure on my part. It's not funny or cute, so stop fucking telling me "you'll be back". Other than visiting family and friends, I don't want to wind up back here.

        Part of downsizing though means selling off my furniture and my car, which I have yet to actually do or put up ads on craigslist. Like once again i'm postponing something I don't wanna do and it's not helping with my anxiety over leaving. Because I NEED to have my car sold before I leave cause I need that money to pay off my car in the lower 48, but once I sell it I'm down to only having a bicycle as a mode of transportation which will suck for getting to 3 jobs and doing last minute stuff with friends.

        I'm going to miss my friends so much. They have always been there for me, though the worst times in my life and have given me the support to carry on and keep going. My best friends since kindergarten for heaven sake, we've been together for 17+ years. I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life and I'm scared to start it. I will be alone. While I am an introverted person and enjoy my time by myself, To be completely alone in a new strange place with so much uncertainty is freaking me the fuck out. Everyone keeps telling me to look at it as a fresh start, a new adventure, [insert motivational phrase here] and it's like NO ONE gets what I'm feeling. Everyone keeps telling me to stop complaining about an awesome opportunity or gives me the "you're the one doing this" line.

      I love my friends. I view them as the family I should have been given in life. I'm going to miss them so much, and yes there is facebook and skype to keep in touch, but i'll miss the harry potter parties, the drink fests, the random drives to Delta, just meeting up and talking about old times, future plans, and life in general. It's like I'm leaving part of myself behind.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm leaving all I know, all I love, and all my life behind.

I'm not ready. Not physically ready cause I haven't packed enough, and not emotionally ready cause my brain is all over the place. Yes I'm excited to be done with work soon and there is some "vacation" like excitement about going to visit my friend in Texas.

I keep getting emotional when trying to pack up things. I've done too much crying over all this. Time is moving too fast, and I feel like I never have the time I want to be with the people I love.

An Empty Poem

All that's left inside my shell,

Is my mind inside a private Hell.

Whispers and screams, 

Tell me give up on dreams.

Wrong, wrong, wrong

It plays a repetitious song.

Sleep, don't wake,

Just isolate.

Such hurt and pain,

Just slice a vein.

My mind is all a worry 

Thoughts speed by all blurry.

I am better than this disease,

If only it would stop and seize.

I'm better , I'm better, I scream

Just stop, go away, don't take my dream 

Happy, productive, with someone to love

With a future , a life, and beauty above .

Fight and they fade, but never the same

I wonder if any truly win at this game .

I try to speak, I try to explain 

This feeling has me circling the drain.

They see me fighting and flailing,

Not understanding my failing.

Get up, brush off, and start anew,

Snap out of it! HEY! I'm trying to.

Motivation is frail and weak,

Just some rest , a break, is all I seek.

Life does not stop, another day follows

And this scares me most,

After all the days pass and I reach my end

Will my brain be shattered or still on the mend.

What is the point of the struggle and toil

If these thoughts follow me into the soil.

No guarantees, no promises here

Live while you can, trembling in fear 

I shouldn't think this,I shouldn't think that

But I'm human and weak, so that's that 

 

What I Would Have Said, Given the Chance

Hey,
So I had THE WORST customer in my entire career today. I was so angry after the interaction that I was visibly shaking, the adrenaline from holding in my urge to punch and hurt this man causing tremors in my hands and knees. And because I am me, I was so mad i wanted to cry... cause you know... that helps when you're mad, involuntary tears. Since I was working graveyard, I was the only one at work and couldn't take 5 to collect myself and decompress.

I feel I did the best at not being verbally rude back given the situation, but I SO wanted to.

So here's a list of what I wish I could have told the man if I hadn't been in uniform, on the clock  (in no particular order):

LISTEN! I am not a fucking idiot, do not mistake my job for a lack of education on my part. You were a condescending asshole from the very beginning of your order, so YES you were being rude to me. Trying to threaten me by wanting my "supervisor's name" to report the supposed "slight" to you is laughable. I AM the assistant manager, which I told you, and my "manager" will back me up whenever it comes to assholes like you. By the way, by all means, TRY to get a hold of him, he's gone for 3 weeks and I am running the store in his absence. Oh? You wanna talk to the district manger? Go to the very top? GO AHEAD!

I have worked here for 2 years, have an immaculate record of being a trustworthy, dependable employee. I could tell you to "Go Fuck Yourself!" or any other choice phrase, and no one would even believe you. I could sit there all doe eyed and shocked as they tell me "well this is what he said you called him" and deny it flat out. Me? Profanity? I've "never" resorted to that in the workplace to resolve issues...

Call the cops to remove you, after I politely asked you to leave? I was already leaning to the phone when you made the bluff. If security hadn't taken over, I would have dialed the police on your ass with no hesitation. And you told the night manager of Walmart that you wanted me to apologize? At that point I knew you just wanted a pound of flesh, and I refuse to pay. You can take that apology and choke on it. With some help from my fist punching you in the throat. I don't give a fuck that you are an old man, I would have beat the shit out of you and not even felt guilty about it. Maybe even used my tip jar as a weapon to add some irony to the situation.

You should have just let it go. You should not have come back up to my counter TWICE to try and berate me. I know my rights and I don't have to put up with your bullshit. But I knew, I knew you wouldn't let it go and already had given the nod to security to escort you out if you approached me again. Poor move on your part dipshit.

Don't tell me I don't understand the meaning or context of a word; I had a college level vocabulary back in 4th grade. I am fairly sure my IQ is higher than yours. Do not talk down to me and try to tell me I am stupid, I am many things in this life, but stupid isn't one of them.

But, now let me talk plainly, so there is no misunderstanding my word choice and its intent.
If you hadn't been so rude throughout your order, I might not have made the comment about "courteous" people. After the scene you made, you clearly showed which group you belong in. And here's a hint: IT'S NOT THE COURTEOUS GROUP.  I refuse to spend one more minute talking with you as my time is worth more than dealing with sad-ass excuse of cunts like yourself. I am more than you can ever conceive or achieve in this life. I worship the ground that awaits your grave. WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY HIDE-AND-GO-FUCK YOURSELF!