I miss the sensation of being loved. I know that there are those who still love me, but I have somehow lost the ability to feel that on an emotional level. I miss it filling me up. I miss having love for life and its' possibilities. I miss that unquestioning acceptance of being who you are. I miss loving myself.
How can someone love you, if you have forgotten how to love yourself?
How would you even know that they did, when you have lost all recognition of that feeling?
*I apologise for the ramble
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Five Years
To some it may not seem that long at all, five years. It's about 1,825 days when all is said and done. To me, it equates to one-fourth of my entire life. One quarter of my entire existence has been spent suffering from depression. The official diagnosis reads as "suffering from Major Depressive Disorder with a seasonal component". What does that mean? It means that not only am I seriously depressed most of the time, but when fall hits I get even worse. By worse, I am talking about suicidal. In five years of this disease, I have tried to kill myself three times, been hospitalised two times, and have irrevocably changed my relationship with my family for the worse.
In the past five years, I have seen more doctors than I can count. I have been on four different kinds of anti-depressant medication. I have seen three different councilors. I have done everything that you are supposed to do to get better, but none of it helps. The statistics read that 90% of patients get better within one year of treatment. So it would seem I must be part of the fraction of a percentage point that after five years, is still just as fucked up as when they started or even worse.
How do you fight something like this when you are so tired? I have been struggling with this for so long, I almost forget what it feels like to just be normal and happy. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I am just tired of everything. It feels like my very soul is exhausted. I want it to be over and done with.
I don't want to spend the next five years of my life as I have the last.
In the past five years, I have seen more doctors than I can count. I have been on four different kinds of anti-depressant medication. I have seen three different councilors. I have done everything that you are supposed to do to get better, but none of it helps. The statistics read that 90% of patients get better within one year of treatment. So it would seem I must be part of the fraction of a percentage point that after five years, is still just as fucked up as when they started or even worse.
How do you fight something like this when you are so tired? I have been struggling with this for so long, I almost forget what it feels like to just be normal and happy. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I am just tired of everything. It feels like my very soul is exhausted. I want it to be over and done with.
I don't want to spend the next five years of my life as I have the last.
Friday, October 28, 2011
The Back-up Plan
The current situation is this:
I am depressed
I am jobless
I have less than $200 to my name
My rent is due in the next week ($400)
I have no functioning vehicle
Yes, I am freaking out. Who wouldn't be? However, my anxiety has yet to move me to do anything to fix this. Why? I have no clue. Why do I let my life get to a point where I have no options, no way out, no hope, and no chance? I believe it is because of, the back-up plan.
Almost three years ago, I tried to kill myself. I do not believe in the phrase "attempted suicide". It somehow implies you weren't committed, prepared, and ready to be dead. I was. After you decide to kill yourself, there is an amazing calm that spreads through you. Everything else stops. You realise that it's truly over.
But to get there, you have to cross a line. It's a moral line, ingrained deeply into your psyche. You aren't suppossed to kill yourself, right? There is someone you can't leave, right? There has to be something worth living for, right? It's when you can't answer these questions with anything other than 'No' that the line blurs and fades. I made my decision, after taking those pills, I had crossed the line, not seeing it as an obstacle. However, once you cross that line (like most proverbial lines) there is no going back to how things were before.
Before, I had to ask myself those questions. "Is there something worth living for?" "Is there someone I can't leave?" After, you don't need to ask yourself the questions. Because, you've done it before, crossed the line, made the decision, broken those lingering mental doubts as to whether you should do it. For example: the first time you decide to cut class, you waver back and forth. I shouldn't do this. You're aren't missing anything. What if someone catches me? I'll just be sneaky. After you've done it, it becomes easier the next time you think about doing it. Because, the line is no longer a barrier, it's a desolate relic of it's former impediment. Much like the Ancient Roman ruins, the line is there, neglected and decayed.
The next time things get difficult, hard, stressfull, complicated, or overwhelming the answer comes quickly. Just kill yourself. You've nothing standing in your way. No moral qualms or nagging doubts, just a solution to your problems.
So, why the long story about moral lines and past suicial behavior? Because, suicide is the back-up plan.
I can never seem to face any problems because, in the back of my mind, I believe that suicide is always an option. Which obviously, on some level, I know is not what you as a person are suppossed to think, but I do. So why deal with anything? Why limp along for a while being depressed when you know you are never going to be happy? Why delay the inevitable? Why put up with feeling this bad all the time?
Why indeed...
I am depressed
I am jobless
I have less than $200 to my name
My rent is due in the next week ($400)
I have no functioning vehicle
Yes, I am freaking out. Who wouldn't be? However, my anxiety has yet to move me to do anything to fix this. Why? I have no clue. Why do I let my life get to a point where I have no options, no way out, no hope, and no chance? I believe it is because of, the back-up plan.
Almost three years ago, I tried to kill myself. I do not believe in the phrase "attempted suicide". It somehow implies you weren't committed, prepared, and ready to be dead. I was. After you decide to kill yourself, there is an amazing calm that spreads through you. Everything else stops. You realise that it's truly over.
But to get there, you have to cross a line. It's a moral line, ingrained deeply into your psyche. You aren't suppossed to kill yourself, right? There is someone you can't leave, right? There has to be something worth living for, right? It's when you can't answer these questions with anything other than 'No' that the line blurs and fades. I made my decision, after taking those pills, I had crossed the line, not seeing it as an obstacle. However, once you cross that line (like most proverbial lines) there is no going back to how things were before.
Before, I had to ask myself those questions. "Is there something worth living for?" "Is there someone I can't leave?" After, you don't need to ask yourself the questions. Because, you've done it before, crossed the line, made the decision, broken those lingering mental doubts as to whether you should do it. For example: the first time you decide to cut class, you waver back and forth. I shouldn't do this. You're aren't missing anything. What if someone catches me? I'll just be sneaky. After you've done it, it becomes easier the next time you think about doing it. Because, the line is no longer a barrier, it's a desolate relic of it's former impediment. Much like the Ancient Roman ruins, the line is there, neglected and decayed.
The next time things get difficult, hard, stressfull, complicated, or overwhelming the answer comes quickly. Just kill yourself. You've nothing standing in your way. No moral qualms or nagging doubts, just a solution to your problems.
So, why the long story about moral lines and past suicial behavior? Because, suicide is the back-up plan.
I can never seem to face any problems because, in the back of my mind, I believe that suicide is always an option. Which obviously, on some level, I know is not what you as a person are suppossed to think, but I do. So why deal with anything? Why limp along for a while being depressed when you know you are never going to be happy? Why delay the inevitable? Why put up with feeling this bad all the time?
Why indeed...
Sunday, October 23, 2011
In the beginning...there was a rubber duckie...
Before the question is asked, the thing with rubber ducks...they are just so adorably cute and chubby, hence have always brought me joy. I forget when it started, but my predaliction for duckies is so well known to my friends, that I have been given an abundance of them as gifts. Accumulating ducks turned into what I now call : The Duckie Shrine, with a jumbo 'Buddah' duck dominating the scene.
I now find myself in the lowest emotional hole of my life with overwhelming stress bearing down on me. I need to tell my story (if only to the internet) so I can unload some of this burden and possibly organise my thoughts. As a diagnose-ee of "Major Depressive Disorder" I'll take any emotional boost I can to overcome this.
Even if it only comes in the form of petite, yellow water fowl :-)
I now find myself in the lowest emotional hole of my life with overwhelming stress bearing down on me. I need to tell my story (if only to the internet) so I can unload some of this burden and possibly organise my thoughts. As a diagnose-ee of "Major Depressive Disorder" I'll take any emotional boost I can to overcome this.
Even if it only comes in the form of petite, yellow water fowl :-)
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