Emotions

My emotions are all confused right now. I don't know what the deal is. Could be the lack of sleep. I dunno, I just feel... Weird, for lack of a better term. And frustrated. But at what and whom I'm not certain. I just don't really know how I should be feeling right now, and it makes me all confused that I don't know why I feel the way I do right now. All I know is I want a hug, like a ridiculously long, possible bordering on creepy long lasting hug. Something that reassures me and comforts me. I want someone to tell me that it's going to be ok, and that they're here for me. If I had a significant other this would be easy to do, but being single doesn't make it easy to accomplish.

Also feel like I'm in a state of wanting... Don't know what I want but I have that yearning for more than what I currently have in life.

Blarg. Emotions are so stupid sometimes.

Alone

I am alone.

It's not that I don't have friends, I do, very good ones in fact. But, I have this pang deep down that reiterates that I have no one to share my life with in a significant other way. No one to cuddle with, no one to have romantic moments with, no one to come home to at the end of the day.

And hell, I should be used to it by now because I've never had that, that special connection with someone. I hate how everyone acts like it isn't obvious why I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend because no one asks me. Call me old fashioned but I do think its the guys job to ask. 

What is harder to come to terms with is why does no one ask me. I think I'm afraid to ask why, because I really don't think I'll like the answer. Probably because I feel deficient in what would be appealing qualities. 

I hate feeling alone and yet I don't want to be around groups of people. I hate being this walking contradiction of wants and actions.

I just want to share my life with someone. Really tell someone everything about me and have them understand and still want to be around me. I want to have a relationship with someone and know what it's like to have a physical connection. I want to be comfortable being held and loved by someone.

I'm afraid I'll never have that. That I'll never be comfortable sharing myself with someone in that way. 

Not forever alone but feeling forever lonely...