My skin makes me sad

Scars crisscross over my body, from the backs of my arms to the circumference of my stomach, riddled up and down my thighs. Scars of my own making. Not the kind one makes with a blade, I have those on my left wrist as well. No these scars I'm more ashamed of. They are ugly and ruin the texture of my skin as well as make me never want to share them with anyone. Stretch marks are absolutely disgusting, if I'd ever been pregnant at least I'd  have the baby to blame. But, no, just me and my lack of control in my life. Compulsively eating when life wasn't going well has now left me disfigured for the rest of my life. People try to make it sound better by saying that they fade, oh great they go from pinkish-red to albino white, how lovely. They will stand out if ever I tan my pale Alaskan skin, scar tissue never behaves the same as regular skin. 

Sometimes I almost feel that I look ok, but that's when I have clothes on. All it takes is one glance in a mirror or my shirt sleeve to ride up to remind me otherwise . I'll never have smooth unmared skin again. I'll always be like this, no lotion or surgery can fix it. I could have reduced the damage SOO much had I recovered sooner, each pound gained tore my flesh to accommodate needing more room. 

It won't matter how thin I ever get, I'll still have to cover up. The texture really grosses me out, the larger scars are half an inch wide and easily 6-8 inches long. Doesn't matter how flat your abs are when they are covered in hideous scars, you won't be showing them to anyone. If I ever get around to getting a tattoo, I can't choose several locations due to all the scarring.

Was trying on clothes at the store today, had the lovely full body lighted mirror to show me all my imperfections . Nothing ruins a day faster than feeling hideous no matter what you do. Can't even afford to get new clothes anyway, besides, it's not like they make it look any better

I don't know

There is this feeling. And I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe a foreboding sadness. I don't know. But it's like I want something. And I don't know what it is. And it bothers me. Cause if I knew what it was I could fix it or at least get a handle on it. But no. It's just this alien feeling in my chest. And I sometimes can't figure out if I should be mad and just have a good screaming match or if I'm sad and just need a good cry . Sometimes it feels like both should happen at once. I don't even know how to talk about what it is I'm feeling since I don't even know what the feeling is.

I want it to just go away, cause feelings that I don't get a handle on have a tendency to be depression related. And there's a part of me that's worried that this is somehow related to that . I don't want it to be, I have been doing so well and have actually been experiencing happiness on a regular basis and not just in fleeting moments. 

Maybe I just need a cuddle, or some affection of some type. Some time spent with a pet or something. I don't know...
I want to talk to someone, but they aren't talking to me right now, and I miss them.

Feelings go away.....

Broken

I'm fine. I tell myself I'm fine. I'm normal. I'm just like everyone else. 

But, I'm not.

I hate how someone will make a comment, something in jest or a small aside, and yet something about that comment sticks in your head. You can't let it go. Your mind keeps turning it over and over . Making a big deal out of most likely nothing, or taking something very hard to heart that you'll never forget.

I'm damaged. That was the comment that was made, and it hit me really hard. They were talking about something completely silly about me and made the comment that I was damaged. And it struck me. I sat there and didn't say anything for a moment. Just thinking about that statement in a larger context.

I am damaged. 

I was something good but now I'm not.

Still functional but not as good as the original.

Not the same as normal.

My feelings, my reactions, my mind, and my body... I am damaged.

I won't say what's on my mind.

I'm in conflict with what I want from people .

I never feel comfortable in my skin.

My wants/desires and willpower don't mesh.

I'm a contradiction.

I am damaged.

Thanks for telling me.

Emotions

My emotions are all confused right now. I don't know what the deal is. Could be the lack of sleep. I dunno, I just feel... Weird, for lack of a better term. And frustrated. But at what and whom I'm not certain. I just don't really know how I should be feeling right now, and it makes me all confused that I don't know why I feel the way I do right now. All I know is I want a hug, like a ridiculously long, possible bordering on creepy long lasting hug. Something that reassures me and comforts me. I want someone to tell me that it's going to be ok, and that they're here for me. If I had a significant other this would be easy to do, but being single doesn't make it easy to accomplish.

Also feel like I'm in a state of wanting... Don't know what I want but I have that yearning for more than what I currently have in life.

Blarg. Emotions are so stupid sometimes.

Alone

I am alone.

It's not that I don't have friends, I do, very good ones in fact. But, I have this pang deep down that reiterates that I have no one to share my life with in a significant other way. No one to cuddle with, no one to have romantic moments with, no one to come home to at the end of the day.

And hell, I should be used to it by now because I've never had that, that special connection with someone. I hate how everyone acts like it isn't obvious why I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend because no one asks me. Call me old fashioned but I do think its the guys job to ask. 

What is harder to come to terms with is why does no one ask me. I think I'm afraid to ask why, because I really don't think I'll like the answer. Probably because I feel deficient in what would be appealing qualities. 

I hate feeling alone and yet I don't want to be around groups of people. I hate being this walking contradiction of wants and actions.

I just want to share my life with someone. Really tell someone everything about me and have them understand and still want to be around me. I want to have a relationship with someone and know what it's like to have a physical connection. I want to be comfortable being held and loved by someone.

I'm afraid I'll never have that. That I'll never be comfortable sharing myself with someone in that way. 

Not forever alone but feeling forever lonely...

Awkward socially

I hate ending up in awkward social situations, where you don't know more than one person and people are talking and talking and you don't have anything to contribute to the conversation. So you just end up sitting there saying nothing. Which is weird. And awkward. One of those situations where you want to excuse yourself politely and run away to normalcy.
I hate sitting here, saying nothing. But there is nothing to say, and nothing to contribute, which sucks because I want to visit with my friend but they're busy socializing with other people.
Meh, call me Silent Sam

One of those nights

The problem with working graveyard shift is that very few people are on the same schedule as you. The other problem is that when you switch between nights and days working your brain gets confused. I'm now very awake at 3 am wanting to talk or do something with a friend but I'm pretty sure all of them are asleep and I don't wanna be the person who texts "are you asleep?" at 3am waking someone up. I feel that's a dick move, since most everyone is asleep at 3am or they are actively trying to fall asleep.
My brain is busy. Tired, but busy. Too much thought. It's getting all confused about life, money, work, plans.. Yadayada
If I was sleeping normally anymore I would just go to bed, but my sleep is still all screwed up. Don't know why I can't sleep normally anymore. I'm amazed I haven't crashed yet from sleeping so little for weeks and weeks.
Oh well, nighty night world, I'm going to try and get some sleep. Wish someone was awake though...

I have a problem....

So. I have a problem. I have become ridiculously attached to a new friend. Why is this a problem you ask? Isn't making new friends a good thing? And spending time with those friends good as well ? My answer: yes, it is very nice.
It is nice to have a new person in my life who actually gets me. Who understands going through shitty times and getting through them.
It weird to spend so much time with someone who isn't my best friend. I wonder if it's more of an obsessive thing, like getting a new toy and having to play with it all the time and ignoring everything else. Or if it's more of a thing of convenience since I am always welcome to drop by and I am never doing anything else. I really don't know. I do know that I spend 6-7 days a week hanging out with them in some way . And almost every sentence I say to others involves their name or something we did. I guess I don't think of this as a bad thing now, it worries me though that I've become so attached to someone so fast. I am friendly and can make acquaintances like nobody's business, but to find a true friend, or one that I consider as such is rare. I have few close friends and most of them (ok well 2 of them which actually makes a small majority ) I've known since early childhood. I've not expanded my circle much since then. Especially since the whole depression thing. It really separates the wheat from the chaff. When you're a sad person to be around very few people actually stay around you. Can't say I blame them, but friends should be better than that I feel.
So, this problem, that's not a problem (yet ) I think I'm going to take in stride. The opportunity is too great to pass up on, just because I'm worried about what might happen if I lose this.

Rambles about friendship brought to you by BRAIN and InSecurity

Delayed Updates...

Sorry, I have meant to write a month to month post keeping up with the journey, but life/school/work tends to draw my focus away.

so this is the 3 month mark results:
Down a bra size (thank the lord)
Down another pants size (YAY!)
Finally down a shirt size (found a whole box of T-shirts hidden in storage from high school that now fit)
Total Weight loss: 44.2 lbs (almost making it 15lbs/month lost)

Pounds to go until Germany Trip goal : 25.8

I might have to adjust this goal to a bigger one if progress keeps up :-)

The gym and I see each other on an almost daily basis. In February I made it to gym 22 days out of the 28. All money is still going into the Vacation Piggy Bank, I'm surprised it isn't completely stuffed yet, at some point will have to trade out some of the $1's into $10's or $20's to save room. Very excited for the trip as I am buying my ticket this week, less than 5 months until we go!

will keep you posted, so far things are looking pretty great, I feel like I got this.

The Results are In

Month One: ACTION

So happy to report month one results

the scale : -17.0 pounds
the clothes : down a pants size
the gym : my new best friends

I feel different about this go around. I feel like I KNOW it's going to work. I can't say exactly how I know this, I just do.

Also (thanks to Pinterest)  I have an awesome rewards system for going to the gym, obviously the gym slimming me down is a reward system, but this is another kind. A monetary reward. For everyday I go to the gym, no matter how short or long a workout, I put a smiley sticker on the calender and a $1 into my Vacation Piggy Bank (thanks Emily for the Pig)

Have been trying lots of new foods, so far, the "scary food" has all been quite tasty. Hummus, how have I lived my life without you? Nevermore! You have earned a place in my fridge and my tummy.

Watching "Biggest Loser" on Hulu right now (so motivational), I'll keep you posted on my journey.

Later tater

The New Life

It may be premature to say this, but it just feels like I should say it.

I am happy. For the first time, in a long time, I am truly happy. Yes there are days in there that suck and are frustrating, but I take that as part of normal occurrence.  I finally have motivation and energy to get things done. I can finally tackle some of the other issues in my life now that my depression seems to be managed (thank you again Wellbutrin).

So the new challenge. As my previous post indicated, it's about losing weight and making life style changes. I believe I am off on a good foot. I have been going to the gym, tracking food/calories, and losing weight. Even over the holidays (woot woot). Everyday is a day to succeed, but more than that, everyday is not considered a failure if it doesn't go according to plan. Yes, some days I ate french silk pie for breakfast. Some days I planned on going to the gym and it never came to pass. But, I take this as a realistic approach. The holidays come every year and yes i will enjoy the foods that come as part of them (some things we only make the dish one time a year) but it's about moderation ( one caramel brownie vs ten of them). Where as before i would have jumped off the wagon, ate like crap until the new year, done no exercise, not even calculated what I had eaten, and would have undone a lot hard work.

Some days just talking myself into going to the gym for 20 min instead of the normal 30-45 made me agree to go instead of blowing it off. It's a step forward  in the right direction, with the right mindset. I like this new me. I like it alot. I plan to keep chugging along, making tweaks along the way to better my overall eating habits. At some point I want to conquer my diet soda addiction... but one thing at a time.

Current Weight Loss : 12 pounds
Goal before Germany Trip : -70 lbs

Not a bad start. Not bad at all.

I'll keep you posted.