I'm Tired

I'm tired of this. All of this. This existance, this life, these problems, this family drama, these decisions. I'm tired of all of it. I'm calling it quits. I'm done.

I'm tired of things not getting better. I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm stupid and have to justify my decisions. I'm tired of being asked questions and being told I give the wrong answers. I'm just tired. Mentally and physically exhausted by the burdon that is life. People will try to tell me that I should keep plugging away, that I need to just keep going, blah blah blah. That I have sooo much going for me, that I am so loved, blah blah blah.

Newsflash Ladies and Gentlemen:
                                   None of that means a damn thing.

Because at the end of the day, it's just me fighting this. I stand alone in front of a mountain that is unsurpassable. No one else has to deal with this, just me. Me, me, me..... and I don't have anything left. I'm just a shell of a former self. Hollow and gaunt by comparison. Lacking in motivation and drive to succeed. Without purpose or reason.

I'm tired of people telling me that I need to communicate with them cause "we can't help you if you don't ask" . Well guess what? If I'm not asking for help than I either don't want or need it. Talking (to thse people) solves nothing, it only creates more problems. More conflict. I'm not a fan of it in the slightest. Plus, my first response to someone in my head is probably better left unsaid.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I just can't keep going. I'm done. ALL DONE.

Moving out

Homelessness sucks

Religion Kinda Pisses Me Off

As my homelessness became a factor at the begining of this month, I jumped at the chance to stay somewhere (anywhere) with a friend. There were a few conditions, as it is her parents house not hers. The conditions were as follows: 1)help out with some chores 2) go to church with my friend. As by the title of this post, I'm guessing you can tell which condition I'm taking issue with.
At first I really didn't care, it was a place to stay so I figured I would just suck it up and force myself to sit through it. It's a Mormon church, to those who don't understand, these people don't just do a one hour gig on Sunday and say "bye, see you next week". Oh no. It's 3 hours of church stuff on Sunday in addition to multiple church activities during the week. I'm all Christ-ed out. I've been made to feel uncomfortable all week, as I personally don't believe quite as they do, about most things. After an hour and a half of them telling me why I have adversity in my life (apparently as a spirit child of god I asked for this mortal life of hardship) and that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".

I'm calling BS. That's right people, I'm calling bullshit on that platitude. Cause you know what? This IS MORE than I can handle! Cause when this leads someone to opt out via suicide, IT IS too much.
Hearing that God wants me to suffer and struggle is not what I need to hear right now. Thank you so very much (heavy sarcastic overtone).
Also I hate that when I tried to discuss religion or my views on it with my friend that we end up at odds with eachother. Due to her faith, she thinks that she is right, absolutely, no other way. I on the other hand, acknowledge that I have beliefs that may or may not be "right". Religion, I feel, makes people incredibly closed minded and at some times mean.


Grrrr! I'm moody tonight. Sorry.