To some it may not seem that long at all, five years. It's about 1,825 days when all is said and done. To me, it equates to one-fourth of my entire life. One quarter of my entire existence has been spent suffering from depression. The official diagnosis reads as "suffering from Major Depressive Disorder with a seasonal component". What does that mean? It means that not only am I seriously depressed most of the time, but when fall hits I get even worse. By worse, I am talking about suicidal. In five years of this disease, I have tried to kill myself three times, been hospitalised two times, and have irrevocably changed my relationship with my family for the worse.
In the past five years, I have seen more doctors than I can count. I have been on four different kinds of anti-depressant medication. I have seen three different councilors. I have done everything that you are supposed to do to get better, but none of it helps. The statistics read that 90% of patients get better within one year of treatment. So it would seem I must be part of the fraction of a percentage point that after five years, is still just as fucked up as when they started or even worse.
How do you fight something like this when you are so tired? I have been struggling with this for so long, I almost forget what it feels like to just be normal and happy. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying. I am just tired of everything. It feels like my very soul is exhausted. I want it to be over and done with.
I don't want to spend the next five years of my life as I have the last.
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