The Back-up Plan

The current situation is this:
I am depressed
I am jobless
I have less than $200 to my name
My rent is due in the next week ($400)
I have no functioning vehicle


Yes, I am freaking out. Who wouldn't be? However, my anxiety has yet to move me to do anything to fix this. Why? I have no clue. Why do I let my life get to a point where I have no options, no way out, no hope, and no chance? I believe it is because of, the back-up plan.


Almost three years ago, I tried to kill myself. I do not believe in the phrase "attempted suicide". It somehow implies you weren't committed, prepared, and ready to be dead. I was. After you decide to kill yourself, there is an amazing calm that spreads through you. Everything else stops. You realise that it's truly over.


But to get there, you have to cross a line. It's a moral line, ingrained deeply into your psyche. You aren't suppossed to kill yourself, right? There is someone you can't leave, right? There has to be something worth living for, right? It's when you can't answer these questions with anything other than 'No' that the line blurs and fades. I made my decision, after taking those pills, I had crossed the line, not seeing it as an obstacle. However, once you cross that line (like most proverbial lines) there is no going back to how things were before.


Before, I had to ask myself those questions. "Is there something worth living for?" "Is there someone I can't leave?" After, you don't need to ask yourself the questions. Because, you've done it before, crossed the line, made the decision, broken those lingering mental doubts as to whether you should do it. For example: the first time you decide to cut class, you waver back and forth. I shouldn't do this. You're aren't missing anything. What if someone catches me? I'll just be sneaky. After you've done it, it becomes easier the next time you think about doing it. Because, the line is no longer a barrier, it's a desolate relic of it's former impediment. Much like the Ancient Roman ruins, the line is there, neglected and decayed.


The next time things get difficult, hard, stressfull, complicated, or overwhelming the answer comes quickly. Just kill yourself. You've nothing standing in your way. No moral qualms or nagging doubts, just a solution to your problems.


So, why the long story about moral lines and past suicial behavior? Because, suicide is the back-up plan.


I can never seem to face any problems because, in the back of my mind, I believe that suicide is always an option. Which obviously, on some level, I know is not what you as a person are suppossed to think, but I do. So why deal with anything? Why limp along for a while being depressed when you know you are never going to be happy? Why delay the inevitable? Why put up with feeling this bad all the time?


Why indeed...