im scared of change

I'm leaving.
I have 30 days before I'm getting on a plane and flying away from my home, my family, and my friends.

And I'm scared shitless.

        As my one friend keeps reminding me, "It's YOU who is leaving US". Yes, I know, I'm the one who bought the ticket and made the plan to leave. I live in one of the coldest places in the US and I can't take it anymore, it's miserable painful to my hands and just sucks overall. Seriously, imagine living in a place where -30 is a normal winter temperature.

        But This is my home. I was born here. All my best friends are here. This place is what I know. I have a job, an apartment, and have completed several college classes. I have a routine. I'm afraid of losing this.
I'm afraid that this move will leave me jobless and homeless and I NEVER want to go back to that. Financial instability is something I can't deal with. Pretty sure it's part of the reason I've kept the same job for the last 2.5 years even though I could have tried to find something else. My job is below me, but because of that I know they'd never fire me and I am guaranteed full-time work. I've grown complacent. I know what's expected of me and don't have to try very hard. Even taking a summer job freaked me out, new managers, new job, and for some reason I keep feeling like I could be fired at any moment. Even though I've been told by several people that I do a good job. Probably left over feelings from the previous time I changed employment and got fired (still never got a good explanation as to why).

       What if this move is a huge mistake and I end up back where I was 3 years ago, with no money and no place to turn , especially since I won't have good friends set up down there like I had here to help me. Anyone who keeps telling me "Oh, you say you're leaving now, but you'll be back" I wanna punch right in the face. The whole point of downsizing all my belongings is to leave here permanently. If I end up back here I would consider it a huge failure on my part. It's not funny or cute, so stop fucking telling me "you'll be back". Other than visiting family and friends, I don't want to wind up back here.

        Part of downsizing though means selling off my furniture and my car, which I have yet to actually do or put up ads on craigslist. Like once again i'm postponing something I don't wanna do and it's not helping with my anxiety over leaving. Because I NEED to have my car sold before I leave cause I need that money to pay off my car in the lower 48, but once I sell it I'm down to only having a bicycle as a mode of transportation which will suck for getting to 3 jobs and doing last minute stuff with friends.

        I'm going to miss my friends so much. They have always been there for me, though the worst times in my life and have given me the support to carry on and keep going. My best friends since kindergarten for heaven sake, we've been together for 17+ years. I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life and I'm scared to start it. I will be alone. While I am an introverted person and enjoy my time by myself, To be completely alone in a new strange place with so much uncertainty is freaking me the fuck out. Everyone keeps telling me to look at it as a fresh start, a new adventure, [insert motivational phrase here] and it's like NO ONE gets what I'm feeling. Everyone keeps telling me to stop complaining about an awesome opportunity or gives me the "you're the one doing this" line.

      I love my friends. I view them as the family I should have been given in life. I'm going to miss them so much, and yes there is facebook and skype to keep in touch, but i'll miss the harry potter parties, the drink fests, the random drives to Delta, just meeting up and talking about old times, future plans, and life in general. It's like I'm leaving part of myself behind.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm leaving all I know, all I love, and all my life behind.

I'm not ready. Not physically ready cause I haven't packed enough, and not emotionally ready cause my brain is all over the place. Yes I'm excited to be done with work soon and there is some "vacation" like excitement about going to visit my friend in Texas.

I keep getting emotional when trying to pack up things. I've done too much crying over all this. Time is moving too fast, and I feel like I never have the time I want to be with the people I love.